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Wednesday, March 31, 2004 Talking to myself
Ha, well I knew this would happen. I just wish I had thought of a way to fix it before it did. Before I moved out here, I knew that it wouldn't take long for me to start coming down off my "happy little ride". With at least one of my roommates here all the time with me, I honestly didn't think that I would feel lonely. Not homesick lonely, it's a no one to talk to loneliness. I have absolutley no one at all. I need to get a phone soon, cuz I don't know what will happen to me if I don't. There's so much going on with me right now and I have no one to talk to about it. No one to laugh with me, or get excited with me. I thought that I could live without it all for a lilttle while, but I guess I can't. I am so retarted. I didn't realize how many hugs and cuddles I became accustomed to back home, until I moved here. There's no one to hug or have a little sunggle with out here. Every now and then I need those things. All women do I think. Or is it just me? Am I retarted as I think I am? Someone tell me, cuz I can't make a sesisble fuckin decision.
My sleeping hasn't improved as much as what I thought it would. I figured that as soon as I was away from all the drama back home, that I'd be fine. I find it so hard to fall alseep at night. But once I am alseep, I sleep pretty good. When all the laughter stops, and conversations shared between Mike, Lesley, Sheldon, and I have ended for the night, the lights go out and everyone tracks off to bed, I am left alone out in the big living room. I'm so glad that I don't have a room here cuz I know that if i did I'd probably never come out of it. How aweful is that? I hate it when I get like this, I start to get real terrible social anxiety! How fuckin pathetic have I become? Here I am pouring my heart out to no one again. Instead of a piece of writing paper, it's on electrionic paper. I didn't cry when I left, I didn't feel bad either. Is that bad?/Good? I've been saying, yeah I miss mom, dad, Jeff, my dog, and everyone else. But I don't feel it. I won't let myself! What is the gawd damned point. I can't let myself do it, cuz I will crack up and want to go the fuck home. Oh muther fucker I'm losing my mind. But I am very impressed with myself about how good I'm hiding it. Very impressed indeed! What a bunch of useless information I type here all the time. Espically this entry. I'm going to give this all up soon I think. It's useless, no one reads it, and if the scattered person does, how would I know? I always ask questions or make suggestions about certain things in these freakin entries and no one ever has any answers for me, or even tries to discuss to me about anything I've written, or even have any questions. Of course not! Who wants to talk to a retard about retarded shit??? Not me! I wouldn't. *SIGHS* Hug me? :-(
I MADE IT!!
Well I finally made it. Without any fuck-ups too! Amazingly enough. For me anyway. So I got here on Saturday afternoon. We all went partying on Saturday night. It was freakin awesome. I had the best time ever. I always do when I'm with my roomates. I also enjoy my time that I spend with them at home very much.
I'm some proud of myself today. I went out walking by myself. I didn't feel scared either like I thought I would. I passed out 20 resumes today, picked up a few things from the grocery store, and stopped in the bank on my way home from job hunting. I didn't cover very much ground yet. It will take me the rest of this week for sure. My socks were full of blood when I came home today from all the blisters on my feet from the damn dress shoes that I wore out walking around in. I looked some shockin good too. I was deffinately dressed for success. My shoes ain't made for walkin at all! But I can't let that stop me. I have to do it all over again tomorrow. I did laudry all by myself today too. LOL. U all r probably laughing at me right now. But I like getting all excited over little accomplishments like that. Most people take them for granted but not me. I try my best, everyday, not to take anything or anyone for granted! Lesley balled at me to stop cleaning today. LOL. God love her! I just hope that my feet are all healed up for the weekend. Gotta go dancing some more! I love it! Healed or not, I'm still going. :-) Well gotta go now and fold me laundry!
Thursday, March 25, 2004 Patience
Well, only 3 more days unitl I leave. As I said before a few days ago, I'm still not letting myself get all excited about it. It's a good shockin thing that I don't. I knew there would be many obstacles this week that I have and need to overcome. I had a really BIG one thrown at me last night. But I stayed strong and wasn't having a moment of weakness at the time, thank God, or I probably would have screwed my life up again. That's one less to doge. Nobody can understand how much pressure has been put on me this week. I'm just getting through the days and that's it. I am worry a lot about my past just waiting to bite me in the ass and drag me down. I am not used to taking one step forward, normally I end up taking one step back and then being miserable and have all these regrets and shit. I'm trying to do my very best at not worrying too much. The last time I went to where I'm going, I only went for a weekend, but I was still freaking out over my past. I didn't know what to expect! So all that week, before I left, I was throughing up my cup of tea in the morning, was spotting a bit, and had migranes. Now this time, when I leave, I ain't coming back! I am trying to be as cool and calm as I can possibly be. Drug free too! Woohoo! No more crazy people medicine for me. My throat has been sore for the last 3 weeks though. An increase of smoking has done that. I must, thats the only thing keeping me sane these past few months. There were soooooooo many times that I didn't think I was going to make it through the nights. Oh man, they were hard! I've got 3 little days to get through now. As long as I make it to Friday night, I know that I'll be ok. Once Friday night comes, I'm going to be so intoxicated that I won't give a shit about anything or anyone else. I've still go much to do. My back is going to be killing me by the time I get there on Saturday, and I know that I'm going to be so tired. I hope I can get a nap in before we all go out on Saturday night.
*Sighs* Oh my, I hope that I'm doing the right thing! I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. Heh, that's the story of my life! I have to be stronger then I've ever been before in my life during these next few days. I have to make it. I just have to! But will I? Let's hope so!!!
Wednesday, March 24, 2004 Bouncing back
I straightened my bangs this morning. I wasn't sure if they would actually straighten before I attacked it with my straightener. But it did go straight, but too straight, I can't get it to go into the normal curl that I did before with my big fat curling iron. So right now my bangs are straight and kinda just sitting there with no body whatsoever to them. Oh well, believe it or not it looks a lot better that what it was before. Now tonight if i'm not too tired I'm going to straighten all of my hair and see how it goes. As I was waddling to work this morning, I was watching my shadow and I was watching my 'straight' bangs blowing in the wind, trying to fall back to its natural state. My hair hasn't had time to relax yet, but I think that once it does, and I deep condition it, and fool around with my hair a bit to get some kind of an idea of what I can do with it, I'll be alright. Just watching my bangs blow in the wind this morning made me feel good. I felt a little sprout of slef-confidence and happiness.
Visiting
Just got in the door about 10 minutes ago from visiting. I had two houses to visit. I only ended up going to one because the other one did not return my call, so oh well, that I one less thing I have to do. But the house that I did go to was Donna's. I used to work with her when I was doing a work term after I graduated from college. She's a really nice lady. And her daughter is cool too. She's only 10 years old but she's so mature for her age. You can have any kind of conversation around her. And beautiful, oh my god, she's so pretty. But anyway, I had a good time. I always do when I go there.
Tuesday, March 23, 2004 Walk this way
I waddled my way to another day at work. Yes I waddle. It's more noticable today because I have so much clothes on. Two pairs of pants (sweat pants, and a big pair of fleece pants), and one long sleeved shirt that dosen't keep me warm at all. I could wear my big 'pimp jacket' but because there's only 3 buttons on that coat, the bottom front part of the coat blows up when the wind blows. So I'll keep wearing the same thin grey coat that I've been wearing for a while now. I have to go visiting after work today. I know that I told people that I was going to do it last night, but I was too tired yesterday, so I had a nap instead. I have to do it tonight or not at all. Tomorrow I work night shift, but I have the afternoon off and I'm using that to go visit my Nan and Pop. The next day, Thursday, I work night shift then too. I also have the afternoon off on that day to, but I'm going to visit my Nan and Pop again and I have a doctors appointment at 2:30. Then, there's Friday. I ain't visiting anyone on Friday. I was supposed to be having a going away party that night, but not anymore, my dad has to work on Saturday and he forgot to tell me. Good going dad! So I'm game for anything. Whether I have to do it alone, or if I'm worthy enough for company, I'm getting wasted. I'd have a fun time being on the phone talking to everyone before I left actually. Providing that no one shows up at my house to say goodbye to little ol' me. Do I deserve any goodbye's? Probably not. I don't think I do.
Well I accomplished what I had in mind to do. Raise a little hell before I left this town. I thought I'd be happy about it. Happy is not the right word here, maybe I thought that I'd feel...Crafty. Yes thats the word Crafty. Anyway, long story short, I feel terrible. Horrible. Bitchy. Moody. My conscience is killing me! I had such a wicked migrane last night, I couldn't find any asprin to take for it, so I just went to sleep. There's no point staying up and worrying about it, what's done is done, there's nothing that I can do one bit to change it. I started getting another head ache this morning thinking, and I'm getting another one now. I tell you right now, being a little "hell raiser" is not worth hurting the people you love! The people that trusted me (they are very rare and few). See, I told you, I can fuck up anything! I don't even do it on purpose! I thinks that it's in their best interest, but it some how back fires on me and bites me right in the ass everytime. Oh my, will I ever make it to the city? Have I tripped myself up again? HAHAHAHAHAHAA *Mad Laughter* Someone stick me in a rubber room please. Me and my bad hair will be safer there. Hahaha I didn't mean to rhyme then but I won't change it, I'll leave it. Hopefully it will give u a tiny chuckle. If this entry sounds to you, the readers, like I'm being a bitch or sarcastic, or a sarcastic little bitch, then it was not my intention at all. I'm just rambling on and on and getting paid for it. I'm tring to rid the dark feeling that is sitting in the pit of my belly. Well...not exactly rid it, but at least lesson it a bit so that it dosen't hurt so much with each little passing second.
Radiohead Lyrics
When you were here before, couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel, your skin makes me cry You float like a feather In a beautiful world I wish I was special You're so fucking special But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul I want you to notice, when I'm not around You're so fucking special I wish I was special But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here, ohhh ohhhh She's running out again.... She's running out, she's run, run, run, run....run.... Whatever makes you happy Whatever you want You're so fucking special I wish I was special But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here I don't belong here
I'm aware people!!!!
I'm well aware people of how bad my hair is, and how "Unattractive" I've made myself with it. None of it was done intentionally, believe me! I can take criticism. Hell yes. But you don't have to tell me how much you hate my hair and then repeat what I should have got done or tell me "That your hair before was more attractive". B'ys I know! I'm very much aware of how rediculous I look. I catch a glimpse of it in the mirror a dozen times a day. So everyone please, just shut the fuck up about it, because I've already beaten myself up about it enough, I've got myself put down so low as I can possibly go. I don't need anyone's help in doing that. So please, just stop looking at me and keep your comments to yourself. You're not helping me feel better, you're making me feel worse. I have been trying to find comfort in the two packs of pudding that I bought on my way home from work this evening. All that has done is give me a bad stomach
Monday, March 22, 2004 *sighs*
Oh my. Well here I am at work. Just counting down the days now. Only 5 left to go. I should be feeling so hyper right now, jumping up and down, and flying across the room......but I'm not! I'm too afraid to let all my hopes up! I am excited and can't wait to go, but I won't let myself feel it or express it as much as I want to. I do dance around and sing a little song when someone asks me about it. Oh yes everytime, but thats about as far as I'm going with it. All I'm doing is just taking one day at a time right now, thats all I can do, and just pray that Saturday gets here without a hitch. It's been my life story that something else always got in the way of me doing something thats totally life changing. I have learned the hard way about getting my hopes up on my dreams, and I've leanred that it's best to be happy when you're in the actuall moment that it happens. I could shovel out more usless information right now but even I'm turning my own stomach this morning, so I'm going to end this now.
Saturday, March 20, 2004 Cries
I was supposed to go undercover tonight. But I don't think I will now. I'm WAY too depressed now. Ever since I got my hair permed and realized how much of a big mistake it was, I've felt so embarrassed and ashamed to go out in public. But I have to, cuz I work with the public every single solid day.
These past few months, I finally had confindence in myslef, achieved self esteem, and happiness. I was starting to actually like myself again. I recenly became friends with myself and trusted in myself. Actually believed in myself again. Since I did this perm thing I have felt so UGLY. You have no idea. And what took the cake tonight was, I just sent a pic of me, to a friend of mine, that was taken last night at work during the adult social thing we had, and this person asked me was I wearing a bra. I was like WHAT? YES I AM!!! DOESN'T IT LOOK LIKE IT? Apparently not! Oh my. For the very first time in my life I turly, honestly, feel ugly. I look so ugly. Y did i do this to myself? The whole point of turning my hair curly, was so I could look pretty. Unfortunetly that backfired BIG TIME on me! I finally realized how beautiful I feel inside and no one has any idea how good that made me feel. But looking at myself in the mirrow, in these pics from last night, and looking down at my body with my own eyes, how disgusting, how revolting. What a fucking turn off. I've never felt so unattractive before in my life. This is why I'm still alone. This is why I haven't had a date with anyone in 4 months. This is why no one looks at me anymore. Gawd I'm so fat! This is why no one calls anymore. No one is interested. I'm not beautiful anymore. I no longer put myself down anymore, and this is what I get. OH my gawd, it's the most terrible feeling in the world. I would give anything to be able to just sit and hide away in the dark for a year. I don't want anyone to see me like this. But I cannot hide in the dark. No, no. Because I have to work on Monday then leave for the city on the weekend, where more people will see me. Gawd, I don't want anyone to look at me. I don't want anyone to see all this ugliness. I don't want to turn anyone else off. Or make anyone else screw up thier faces when they see me. Yes! I've seen it. The look flashes in their eyes for maybe two seconds, but it's enough to make me want to curl up in a ball and just cry. I'm sorry that you've all had to look at me. If I had my way, I'd be in hiding right now and nobody would have to suffer the sight that is me.
Friday, March 19, 2004 Beaming with pride
Oh man. What an awesome night I had tonight. My supervisor and I spent the last few weeks planning a little get together at work for all the people who completed the course that I teach. Nineteen people out of about thirty that I called showed up. I thought it was a pretty good turn out. It was sooooo good to see everyone again. I even received a little gift from three of my students. Everyone knows that I'm going away next week, (I can't believe that i'm saying next week!), so the few people that have given me gifts all gave me stuff that I would need when I'm out on my own. Things like, dish clothes, dish towels, hand towels, regular towels and some candles. How sweet is that? Oh man, and everyone was happy to see me too. I tell you, it certainly put me in good spirits again. I've been so sad lately for numerous reasons that I won't get into. Man, I'm so happy right now. I'm in such a good mood. I don't know how i'm going to get to sleep tonight. :-) Who cares, tomorrow is Friday, and I'm good at sleeping with my eyes open. Hahahahaha. Well I didn't have any one to teach today and the Internet is gone down at work. So I just sat there all morning reading a book. I was afraid to start reading because reading always puts me too sleep, and u have no idea how many times, I have fallen and almost fallen asleep at work. Shockin' I know. It's a good thing I'm not doing hard labor eh? Nah b'y. I've done my fair share of hard labor. I had a job once cutting brush. That's back breaking work let me tell ya. And on top of that, where we were cutting bush too was almost at the other end of town, so I'd ride my bike there everymorning and home again after work. Then for two weeks out of that time, my mom was gone to Ontario, so who do u think had to keep the house clean and cook? Yup Me! That was really hard! I was 16 years old then. But I was paid good money. Me and two other fellers were hired for that job. And we spent most of the time arguing over who was next to get into the PBO Box to stamp down all the trees and other garbage that was in there. Oh my. Good times. Then it wasn't, but it is now. :-)
Anyway, I had to make a unprepared speach tonight before I passed out everyone's certificates. Oh my, I was sooooo nervous. I took off into the office and called my supervisor in with me to ask her what to say. Hahahaha. I was laughing with nervous laughter. I was used to getting up in front of a crowd of 5 at a time not 19 at a time. And everyone was sitting in a big circle, and I was put right in the middle of it. Oh my. But I must say that I'm really proud of everyone. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that they couldn't learn how to use a computer. All they needed was someone to teach them with a little patience, give them guidence, show them that I had every confidence in them, and as well, to cheer them on. Which I did all the time. I got so excited when they would remember the skills that I had shown them, or when they became more comfortable with the mouse. I'm really going to miss these people when I leave. I am going to try my best to keep intouch with every single one of them. I made it a point to tell everyone tonight that I was really proud of them. My nanna was one of my students. And I saw her start to fill up. God love her. I wish that I could have had a picture taken at that moment when I told everyone that I was really proud of them. Just the look on their faces took my breath away. It really filled me with a lot of pride. Just thinking about it now, I could cry tears of joy. I'm so pleased with them all! Nonetheless, some pictures were taken. Before everyone left tonight, I got everyone to write down their email addresses so that I can send all the pics tomorrow. If anyone of them read this in the future, Good job!
Wednesday, March 17, 2004 St. Paddys Day
Well, well, well...
Today is St. Paddy's Day. If my ex and I were still together, today would have been our 4 year anniversary. I'm not upset over the fact that it's not, I'm just disappointed that he's such an ass! Why did he have to turn out to be such a prick? Why did his true colors have to shine? I would have been fine living in denial. Hahaha no not really!!! I used to be so happy with him. When we first got together I knew that he was the one for me. I was so in love with him. I've never loved anyone that way before. I don't know if I'll ever have the strength to do it again. With someone else of curse. :-P But, imagine if he was a nice guy. A good guy. One of those rare breeds that very few find now a days. Can u possibly imagine how different things could be right now? I can! I'd say that we'd be married and living in our own place right now. Probably not in Newfoundland but i'm sure somewhere in the country. We would have money! We would have happiness. I would have happiness at last. And i'd never feel lonely again. :-( Haha listen to me saulking here. Don't listen to it b'ys, i'm more upset about my hair right now then I am about being lonely and unhappy. I am only 22 years old, and I don't know what the fuckin obsession is with me getting married and starting a family. I guess it's because my parents did. They got married really young and had me about a year later. All of, well almost all, of my friends have children, or are married, or have a child on the way right now. I supose I'm feeling left out. Or behind some kind of scheudle, I don't know. I'm so foolish. Worrying about garbabge like this! U people must really love me to actually waste 5 or 10 minutes of your life reading all this petty shit. Are you sure u want to read on? It's another 5 -10 minutes u won't get back? haha Oh my. I'm sure my perspective on life will change as soon as I'm out on my own. Free to come and go as I please. No more having to tell anyone where i'm going, how long i'm going to be gone for, or who i'm going to be with. I can just get up and go, that's it, no explanation for nothing. My spirit will finally be freed! As Dr. Martin Luther King once said "Free at last! Free at last!"
Monday, March 15, 2004 Take a load off fanny! Con't
Here's some samples of poetry from that summer:
Life's a bitch I never have a friend when I need one I never have a lover when I'm in the mood for fun I never hear a deep voice when I want to You never come 'round when I need you I haven't touched you in so long I haven't realized that why I was wrong I haven't kissed your lips for the longest time Why can't I keep my fuckin' head straight and make you mine? I have never felt so tired before in my life I'm not sure yet, but I keep thinking about that knife Why can't I stop my crying? Why can't they stop their lying? I am so tired, but I don't dare fall asleep I stay awake all night and cry my way in deep I am so lonely and scared of this place I want to fall in love, but at a slow pace I can't stand up 'cause I've hit the ground And their ain't a single soul to come around Why must you break my heart and make me bleed? I want you here, you're the one I need But you don't want me, you don't give a fuck I want someone to want me, but I ain't got enough luck I want you to hold me, make it right inside I want you to make me feel like their's no place to hide. Too Much Regret I don't know what to write I don't know what to say I've been so confused Since we've parted ways You make me cry night after night I wish you could tell wrong from right You know that I love you And how you hurt me so I regret with all my soul That I foolishly let you go There's too much regret in my life I wish you loved me enough to make me your wife I told you that I love you But you said you don't feel the same I pray for something good to happen soon To take away all this pain. Someone Else They sit there, so close, so intense He clings to her body, as his tears roll down He wants to do the best that he can To make her happy, make her dreams come true I sit here, and watch them night after night And I miss the feeling of it all, Of the touching, caressing, And the feeling of my emotions running wild I don't know if I've ever been really loved By a hand that's touched me Actually, by one person He did love me at one time, but now it's too late He dosen't love me anymore He wants to love someone else So now I stand here loving him As I watch him walk away And I remember our special moments As though they were yesterday The feel of your soft lips lightly pressed against mine, Your hands cradling my face, The warmth of your body upon me, The feel of your finger tips tracing curves on my body All those days and nights we spent together Holding one another, Promising never to let go In the end, you were the one to let go To forget the hopes and dreams made with me You want to make new ones with someone else. Untitled I'm looking around Lurking in the dark Reaching for a hand That just isn't there No one is there No one ever cares Weather you're dead or alive They finally pay attention when you're gone Then they're all wondering, what went wrong? As I sit here and smoke myself to death Recalling every breath I took with you When I was yours and you were mine Now you're gone, 'cause I let you get away And I'm laying here, dying a little more everyday I'm too weak to cry, too lazy to walk Everyone's too busy, they don't wanna talk All the pain, the tears, and the promises broken It would be just too good if I started chokin' God forbid that something good could happen Something to take away, instead of add I remember so clearly all the good stuff, and the bad I'm about to light another cigarette Falling in love is my biggest regret Then again, if we had never met, I'd probably be dead I would be in the cold, solid ground, resting my head. Oh my, thats it for this tonight. There are many more good, deep, even darker ones, but I can't carry on with it anymore tonight. I was 17 when I wrote those. It's still too painful. Some other night then. Good night all.
Take a load off fanny!
Man I love this song. It takes me back to summer of '99. It reminds me of Pat. We crossed eachother's paths so many times, but never greeted eachother. Oh my, I used to have such a crush on him in high school. I like to think about him from time to time. I wonder how he's doing. What has he been up to? The last I heard of him, he was in Alberta working. Ha, isn't everyone now a days? It seems that way to me. I have so many friends and family out that way, it sickens me really.
This song also reminds me of the many, many nights that I spet walking home or riding my bike home that summer either from babysitting until the wee hours of the morning or from working until 10:30 at night. Man that was a hot summer that year. I missed most of it. The days anyway. It was the nights that I came alive. I was so depressed that summer. That was the summer that I started smoking full time. It was two packs a day if I remember correctly. I would starve myself on purpose and I'd be working all the time and then usually babysitting afterwards, so I was either walking or riding my bike like a mad man and my poor little heart was working double over time. I lost 30 pounds that summer. Thats about the only good thing that came out of it. My weight at the end of the summer was around 115 pounds. I was some skinny and I looked some shockin good. LOL. I used to fit in Jan's clothes then. I wore a dress of Jan's one time to my cousin's wedding. It was black I think with little white flowers on it, it stopped just above my knee, and it had sphagettie straps. I looked hot in it. I wish I had a pic of me in it. Before I went to the wedding, I got mom to sew some extra thread on the bust button. hahaha. Some of the threads that was originally there had already started to pop. I danced with my brother for most of the night. I think that night was the cloest that my brother and I has ever been. We had such a good time together. Well the closest in a good situation. We've been stuck together like glue on glue in bad ones. We have to be. There's no one else who will look out for us but eachother. Anyway, I lost track again. Damn it! Where was I going? Oh yes, this song. The summer of '99. I wrote a lot of great poetry that summer. Really dark stuff. But deep. That's my favoite kind. There were countless number of nights as i was coming home late, probably from a night of baby sitting, that I had prayed for someone to come and take me away. Oh I wanted to get out of here some bad. And I would have left with a stranger if the opportunity arose. But it didn't. And a good thing it didn't. That was the hardest and sadest summer of my entire life. But now I look back on it, and I'm glad that I went through it. There was a lot of life's hard lessons learned. I also discovered some very disturbing things about myself, that evenually were changed as I got older. I spent most of my time pondering over the many, many, mistakes that I had made in the previous two years and how much I regretted the choices I made. Oh I just coudn't get passed all that. One of the biggest mistakes that I made faced me every single solid day. But I'm so glad that I went through all that shit at a young age, that way I know what to expect and how to handle things as I get older. I've found that the older I get, the harder things are in life. I have done and accomplished so much thus far in my life, I don't know if there's much left to do. I'm on my way to having independence. I get all excited about it when I sit and think about it all, but I also know that everyday I'm one step closer to falling off the edge. I hope I don't hit the ground too hard and panic all over the place! All I can do is just take one day at a time. That's what I've been doing since I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety almost a year ago now. Thats all I can do. I'm not nearly half as bad as I was a year ago. I'm actually happy right now, if u can believe that. I have my moments like everyone else does, only I know that I have to watch myself or I could be right back where I was to this time last year. I know that I can go back right fast and repeat the last four years of my life if I let myself. However, I only think like that when I'm feeling a little lost. The last four years is all I know right now. It's comfortable to me, even tho, I was very miserable and very angry at a lot of things and people. I have grown up a lot since then. I know that I can get myself through anything as long as I pace myself and just chill the fuck out. Since I got rid of my ex, and stopped worring about really stupid shit, I've been doing fine all by myself. Now I still do have my moments of weakness, but who doesn't? I'm sure everyone does from time to time. The will is strong, but the flesh is weak. I have gone back there and endulged in the many pleasures that my weakness has led me to. I have spent the night once more as well. That was a while ago tho. I no longer take pleasure in the pain. I have no idea what my point is here. I knew what it was about 45 minutes ago but it's gone now. I'm in that place right now between being in a good happy go lucky mood, and having a down time moment. *sighs* Oh my! Hey it's 12:22 am. 12 more days to go. Excellent!!!
Sunday, March 14, 2004 PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:-)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHELDON!!!!
Saturday, March 13, 2004 JOKE
This one actually happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?" "That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data. Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?". After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books
without a word and walked out of the class, and never returned. However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!
BITCH
Hey Tamara this one's for you!
I'm listening to our song now! I'm sure you haven't forgotten. no way! Remember singing it walking up and down the road all night in the summer time. And the boys would giggle and look. And Pat Hennesseey too!! Hahhahahahaha. Oh many remember how i was so 'in love with him' in high school? Hahahaha. He knew it too the cocky basterd. Gawd love him. :-)
JOKE
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair really smells nice.
The woman in a huff immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains what had occurred. The supervisor is puzzled by this and says "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice." The woman replies "He's a midget!"
St. John's I've been away too long!!!!
Repeat one. Loop one.
Dancing on George Street with my head phones on. I'm hiding out. I'm undercover right now. Hehehehehehe. ;-) Only the closest people to me whom I treasure dearly know where. ;-) And you know who you all are! The ones who don't know are the ones that I do not trust. You cannot be trusted. And you know who you all are! "Can you hear me?" St. John's, I've been away I've been away too long! I've been away, been away too long! Fingers, my hands. My cheeks. My laughter. You all know! And I love it and all of you. Have another somke why don't you? Suck back. Down your throat. Inhale. Can you feel it? No? SUCK HARDER BITCH! Hahahahahahaha So funny. Is you reading this my darlings? Gawd love yee!!! MMMMmmmmmmm Milkshake. Come be my milkshake baby. I'll suck you dry!!! ;-)
Wednesday, March 10, 2004 The Hooker
HAHAHAHAHA
Someone sent me this joke today. Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do,so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner." She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says,"How much? She says, "A hundred dollars." He says "Shit. All I've got is thirty." She says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?" Harry says, "A hand job". She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He says okay,she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?"
Poetry
I will be posting lots of my poetry in here, as well as a lot of snippets of stories that I love to write. Oh yes, any poetry or stories posted that are 'Untitled' I would appreciate any suggestions that you may have titles. I suck at giving titles to my writings.
The ______ Experience The ______ Experience Total relaxation Combined with extreme satisfaction! It's a game we play Time to time It's a sweet smell And it pulls you under It takes control of your body And u lose all your senses Except your sense of touch Touch is heightened to the extremes It slowly enters your body When it does You can't help but shudder And squirm The first time is a rush The second is a quickie On your back On your back Back and forth Back and forth When you've reached Your highest height It withdrawals itself from your body The game is over The ________ is a name that cannot be revealed. Sorry. Here's another one. This is one of my many Untitled poems. I fell so hard And fell so fast I feel so raw But my love will last I feel as though My soul has been exposed My body shakes As my heart aches Now my eyes are filled With heart aching tears Why did I wait so long? All these long and lonely years Why was I so stubborn? I should have left the first time We would be together now I'd be yours and you mine Your wonderful laughter And sweet voice, ring in my ears At the start of Friday night I faced my worst fears As the weekend progressed It all became oh so clear That you feel the same as I do Only we are both so scared All I have are memories And pictures of your beautiful face My wish was granted I said I wanted just a taste A taste is what I got It was the biggest tease of my life Oh this ache in my heart Cuts through like a knife I believe in fate, that everything happens for a reason I believe in love at first sight I believe in you and me I know in my heart that this is right.
So Sick, BLAH!
*Snif snif*
Oh my. I'm so sick today. This started last night. The rare times a year that I do get sick, it always takes a week for all the symptoms to come together. Well yesterday evening, I laid down for a nap, and when I woke up, WHOA. Everything hit me all at one time. Ohhhhhhhh my head hurts, my body aches, I got a tuffy nose and my throat is so sore. It's my own damn fault for going to sleep with the window open in the middle of Winter. I wish it could be Summer time all year long. There is nothing absolutely more better then going to sleep with the window open in the summer time. Just have a blanket up as far as your waist, and the cool night air splaying across your bare back or chest (depending on if your sleeping on your back or your stomach). I like to sleep on both.
Can't Sleep
Oh my. Here it is, 3:22 am, I have to get up for work at 6:30. This is some bullshit I tell you. I haven't been like this since December. It's too late to take a sleeping pill, I'll be worse off in the morning if I take one now rather then stay awake all night. But that won't happen. I know what will happen. 5:00 I'll be ready to fall asleep. What a crock! I can't stop thinking. This is what's keeping me awake tonight. Thinking! I can't shut down my brain.
I can't stop thinking about St. John's, about the coming weeks, my going away party, and most of all last weekend. Oh that weekend was a real blow to my ego let me tell ya. I used to be the pretty girl. I was the one who would be chosen. No one else. I guess it's my turn to get at the back of the line now; to be the ugly one, to be the loser. This weekend has been a real eye opener for me, that's for damn well sure. As I said before, I used to be the pretty girl, the one to be picked first. Now all I am are saggy tits, a saggy gut, stretch marks and celluloid. Am I turning you on? Heh Course not! How superficial has the world become? We can't all be Brittany Spears or little Miss J-Lo's (even though I sometimes secretly want to be). There are times in this world when we have to be human. Not some big haired, big ass, flat tummy, make-up, Barbie doll. Hello people, wake the fuck up! There is true beauty beyond all that Hollywood glamour shit. I never understood the meaning behind "true beauty comes from within" until recently. Yeah I know what you're thinking, spoken like a true fat chick. But I used to be skinny at one time in my life. I used to have perky breasts, thin legs, a flat belly, and no double chin, and I pretty much got anyone that I wanted... well just about. But I was so ugly on the inside. I truly was. The way a person looks, a certain weight, or a perfect figure does not matter. None of that is important. None of it! I see pictures of myself of when I was younger, when I had that tiny body, and it just breaks my heart that I took it for granted and thought that I was fat then. What an idiot! I was beautiful on the outside. But now, I would like to have both. I know that I just said that outer beauty doesn't matter, but lets be honest here, it does to a point. Nobody likes a dog. Am I wrong? *** Some of what I really wanted to get at is coming back to me. Every night, as I'm going to sleep. I get into this position where I'm naked (I hate sleeping with clothes on), lying on my back with my arms over my head, my head to the left, my left knee bent and my right leg straight out. When I'm in my 'sprawling' position, I always have the same fantasy. That a man, not just some random guy, but a man who really loves me, is stood next to my bed, looking down on me, watching me sleep and thinking that I'm the most beautiful creature that he's ever seen. If I EVER meet a man who'll think of me that way, I'm sure it won't be long before I find some way to fuck that up to. Because in my experience if they're not complete pricks to me, then I automatically think that there's something wrong with them. How fucked up is that? Will I ever change? Will I ever fall in love again? Will that love be returned? Will I ever trust another man again? Will I ever stop being afraid of men? Thanks goes out to my ex for those last two questions. Son of a bitch. He's has got me ruined and has dragged me down to a brand new low. I don't know the answers to these questions. Where's the physic (sp?) girl from high school when you need her? Hahahahaha "Can I have your Powers?" LOL. U had to be there. Anyone who was there will understand this inside joke! Well this is it for now. I have to go to work. I will be sure to ramble on some more there! One more thing before I take off, thanks Gavin for not being able to sleep too, and having a little chat with me early this morning. I slept like a baby afterward. Well for the 2 1/2 hours that were left to sleep. *** My reocurring Nightmare (I am at work typing this) I've been having the same nightmare for the last month or so now. I had it again shortly after I got to sleep this morning. I'm in a big mansion with my roommates. Lesley, Sheldon, and I are all laughing, carrying on, and playing around just like little kids. Then the next thing, I see myself lying in bed (with clothes ON, can u believe that? LOL), and Sheldon crawls in with me, and stares at me. I wake up and stare back at him. He moves over and gives me a peck on the lips. The next thing I see is Sheldon and I standing up in a big room that has way to much furniture and plants in it, not a very colorful room either, and I am standing back-on to him, as he keeps kissing that extra tinglely spot on my neck, over and over again, and my knees go weak everytime. He keeps picking me up and doing it all over again. All of a sudden he stops. There's dead silence in the room. Sheldon walks out the door, I just stand there for a minute or two recovering. :-) I decide to go after him, so I walkout the same door, only I do not enter into the same place he did. I'm in a different hallway, I spot another door and I end up in another corridoror that I haven't seen before, but I know what room should be there, and it isn't. It's like the rooms are switching around by themselves. I keep running down big long hallways, and in and out of every door that I see. But I have no idea where in the house I am. The next room that I look in, there he is! Sheldon and Lesley plotting something against me. Now at this point, Sheldon is in a long black and red 'vampire' cape, he's got the whole 'vampire look' going on. He sees me dart in through the door. He gives me this really hard look which frightens me to the very core. But my stubbornness will not let up. Sheldon takes off through a secret exit in this room and I chase after him. The next thing I know, I'm out in the most beautiful garden that I've ever seen. Flowers of every kind, water fountains, sculptures, trees, bushes, the works. Only when I look up, instead of a mansion in front of me, it's a university. There are people lining up from the doorway of that building into another building that's on the right side of me. Everything is made of stone. Very cold looking. I can't pick out any words from the crowds of people. They are all mumbling, even the ones in the line- up that's in front of me. They all sound like zombies. Then as each person enters this mysterious building next to me, I hear this big WOOSH, like something has just released a lot of air pressure, and thats when the screaming starts. Cries of pain and horror travel outside the building into the air. I can hear them plainly and I am terribly frightened. I suddenly look into the eyes of these people in the various line ups, and all their eyes are filled with blood. Once they notice me looking them in the eyes, they all start to motion towards me with they hands, telling me to join them. I'm too frightened. So I turn around and take off running. To where, I don't know, I just jet. I seem to be gone for a long time and can no longer hear any of those horrible sounds, so stupidly I turn back and head down the path again. When I get there the University grounds are empty. Everything is silent. Out of nowhere I hear whispers. I can hear what they are saying. They say "some kind of an explosion went off just after you left, and all the evil went with it." Well I start to relax then. LOL. cuz ya know the fact that I'm hearing thin air whisper to me doesn't scare me. hahaha oh my! I turn to my left and the whole picutre changes again. I'm still on the University grounds, and the crowds of people are back, but they are paused. Just like in the Matrix movie. No one is in line-ups now, they are just scattered all over the place, looking like they are going about their daily lives. I blink and they unpause, and keep doing their thing as if nothing happend. So I start to walk along down a cobble stoned path and I'm staring at everybody. Trying to see thier eyes, looking for anything that could be suspicious. But there's nothing! I keep on strolling along, starting to relax and out of nowhere, I see a pair of eyes staring at me from the crowd. It's him! It's Sheldon! I somehow float towards him, and as I'm floating I feel that I know I should be terrified, but I feel an eerie calm over me. My feet finally touch the ground and I'm staring up face to face with Sheldon, only his eyes are no longer filled with blood, but look more like cats' eyes. They look so lonely to me. I stare into them. He stares into mine. Before I know it, I feel his finger nails digging into my right arm and in the back of my head. He has the right side of my neck exposed. Just before he sinks his long, white, fangs into my flesh.....I wake up! Yup I woke up 5:30 this morning, out of breath and shaking. I heard my dad letting my dog out. I asked him what time it was and then drifted off back to sleep until he came to wake me up at 6:30. Can anyone interpretet this dream for me? Email me or leave a comment. Thanks.
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