Raise A Little Hell!

Of course I've been up to no good today. Tee hee *evil giggle*. I've been sitting here since 12ish this afternoon writing back and forth to my ex, telling him that I'm a stripper at the Pickadelly downtown, and that some drunk guy beat me up a few weeks ago at work becuase I wouldn't do anything sexual with him. He was freakin'. He called me a dirty whore and that he can't believe, and I quote, "put his dick in me without a condom on". Oh I love reopening old wounds, so to speak. I hope it hurts u fuckin bastard and I hope it stings!!!
*SINGS*
DIG IN YOUR HEALS AND SEE HOW IT FEELS TO RAISE A LITTLE HELL OF YOUR OWN. RAISE A LITTLE HELL, RAISE A LITTLE HELL, RAISE A LITLE HELL!
Everybody......sing with me. Go download it. "Raise a little hell" by Boston.

Poetic Pains Wrote On 3:42 PM
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It's been a long fuckin' weekend (Pardon the pun)

Well...it's 10:46 pm. I'm on my way to bed soon. I have to get up early again tomorrow to go to work. Ohhhhh my feet are killing me tonight. My legs are too numb right now. There was no mat infront of the cash that I was stuck on today, so I was standing on the hard concreate floor all day.
Around 7ish this evening, Sheldon, Debbie, and Ma and Pa (tee hee) Porter, came into the store. It was a wonderful surprise for me. It was so good to see Debbie again. I was so glad to see Sheldon too, after all weekend without him. 9:00 tonight, Lesley showed up at the store and said "we're out in the car waiting for you." I asked her who's out in the car, and she said me and Mike. I asked her where was Sheldon, and she said that he's gone back home. Well! I was crushed! I obviously didn't catch on when Doreen said to me that it will still be light out when 9 rolls around. I don't catch on to very much. I need to have everything spelled out for me, so to speak.
Holy fuck, I've got the shakes mega bad tonight. I think its the large coffee from Tim's I just finished. I didn't have a lot of sugar in it. I could actually taste the coffee this time. I hate it when I get them, because I try to stop myself from shaking and to do that, I tense up my back, so the top of my back is sore right now. Shit, will it never end?
It's my dad's birthday today. I called home around ten tonight, but mom told me that he was asleep. She said that she'll try to get him to call me tomorrow. I know that he won't tho. I have only spoken to my dad once since I moved here. That was two months ago. I miss him! He won't talk to me. He misses me too much. And he's very stubbron too. That's where I get all of my stubbronness from. My father and I have always been very close. I used to tell him all of my secrets back in the day. You see, I'm Daddy's Girl. OMG! Is this tears that I feel welling up in my eyes? Yes I think it is! The first time in two months.

Poetic Pains Wrote On 10:44 PM
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I Love the Drugs, and the Drugs Love Me!

Well....another day of work will start in a few hours. I HAVE to buy some pills today or chop off my legs, one of the two. I did an eight hour shift yesterday, a nine hour shift the day before, I have another eight today, and I have a nine hour shift tomorrow. OHHHHHHH MY LEGS!!!!! My feet hurt too, but not as much as my legs. The fuckin schedule better not change at work again, and have me working on my day off like it did last week. I'll freak if I have to keep working straight through to Thursday. But hey, what can I do about it? Not a damn thing. I don't mind getting all these hours, the work is great. I'm not a lazy person when it comes to doing a job, one thing I will give myself credit for is that I'm a hard worker. But it HURTS soooooooo much! The last two nights I kept waking up every couple of hours because my legs were hurting so much. I coudln't have a peaceful sleep at all. When Tuesday comes, I'm staying in the bed. Fuck everything else, I need to rest. Yeah right. Thats what I should be doing, but I knows that I'll be up doing some sort of house work. Only because thats just the way I am. Me mudder did something right with me I suppose. But the rest of me, her and dad screwed up. And my brother too! We're both dysfunctionals who should be in therapy for the rest of our lives, but that's another story. Actually that's a book I should write.
Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes, I was complaining about my legs. OHHHHH MY LEGS HURT! LOL
I've been trying to avoid taking any pills for the pain, due to my recent so called "addiction", but once the pain starts to affect the little bit of sleep that I do get, then it's time to do something about it. If I was back home, I would have a little 'magical smokie', tee hee, to numb my body. When I did that, it was usually for my back, and all the places in my back that was paining, would tingle instead and make me laugh. Ahhhh good times. But that's all over now. I gave up that shit along with a few more of life's little 'sinful pleasures' before I moved out here. Do I miss it? Sometimes, but not often enough to go looking for it. I get my 'rushes' now just from trying to cross the bloody streets here. ;-) Hey, it's 11:11, I wonder if Amanda Vicker's watch beeped? LOL Ahhhh a little inside joke from high school. Well that's it for now, I have to go and get ready for work.
Leave some.
XO

Poetic Pains Wrote On 10:34 AM
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Ohhhhhhh Sooooooooo Tired!

I got called into work ealier today!!!! Lesley came in the room and woke me up at 11:00 this morning with a message for me that I had to call work. The new chick, Megan, called in sick today. She told me yesterday that she was going to do that. I wasn't sure if she was serious at the time, but I guess she was. Magan isn't sick today people, SHE'S HUNG OVER. She was hung over at work yesterday too! Oh the young ones are such pussies. Back in my day, tee hee, didn't matter how much u had to drink the night before, u still went to work the next day. It's your own damn fault if you're sick. You know that u have to work the next day, so u had to pay the price. The first time that I ever went to work with a hang over, I was 17, and working at a gas station. It was the middle of the summer, and it was fuckin hot that day. I was some queezy, with the heat and the gas fumes all day, oh my lord. But I made it through my shift, by then of course, I wasn't as sick. I don't remember what I did that night after work. I probably went drinking again. Hahhaa. That's when I started drinking, when I was 17. The first time I got drunk, it was at Janice's house. God love her. I was sick all night, and she took care of me. You know, holding my hair back for me and stuff. Hahahaha. Ahhhhh the good ol' days! And I still get drunk off a six pack. LOL It's good to be a cheap drunk. ;-)
Well that's it for now, I gotta get ready for work. Leave some.
XO

Poetic Pains Wrote On 12:00 PM
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Just Breathe

Aahhhhhh, here I am in my own little world again. It's a little more lonelier tonight then usual tho. :-(
Mike and Lesley b'y, god love 'em, they've been trying to make me laugh all night. It worked, but it didn't make me feel any better. Well...maybe a little. Mike just did something then that made my night. Tee hee. :-) He's some cute. That's some sweet of them to do that for me. God love them both.
I can't wait for the summer to come. I'll have money then. I can just feel the warm air against my skin now. Ahhhhh.
I can't wait to wear shorts outside. All the walks during the sunny afternoons. And of course, my favourite parts of the summer... the "heat of the night" moments. ;-) I tell you, warm nights do strange things to people. God love it!
It has taken me so long to get to the point of all this, that I forgot what I wanted to write about. This is a stupid post. I may delete it tomorrow. If you're lucky enough to read it before I delete it, leave a comment about it.
Anyway here's some more poetry that I've selected from my book:
September Night Written on: MARCH 31, 1998
It was a warm evening in September
When everyone had left and she had gone to bed
You and I stayed awake to watch TV and talk
You turned and looked into my eyes, deep into my soul
As we leaned forward for a kiss that would last all year
It linked us to our past of two or three years ago
You were so hard to get over, to get outtah my mind
And here we were, kissing away the time
It led to the holding and caressing of eachother
We hugged and you left around four in the morning
Now we sit here in homeroom as if nothing ever happened
But I know we would take another chance for another night
A September night, when a cool breeze blew in from the window
Across the skin of your tanned back
And on my fingers that was stroking your hair
That was later, wipping away your tears
That fell after realizing the sin we committed
No matter how much it hurt us
We will never forget that night
If there was another chance we would take it
Just for another September night
Oh how I wish I could have you back
For one more night
So I could hold you close and feel
your breath upon my skin
Just to feel your tongue trace the nape of my neck
And my arms around your waist
To feel your lips placed on top of mine
To taste your warm skin
To feel your hands on my back
I would love one last September night together.

(Untitled) Written on: Janurary 9, 1999
Listen to the lonely songs of the night
The ones you heard as a child
You thought things could be right
So cold on the inside, yet so meek and mild

Remind you of Summer vacations that now seem so anchient
Just trying to recall the nights and evenings through

You think you've lost something
But find out you knew all along
Where to look, the direction to go

By herself, she sits back to the wall
With a pair of blue jeans and a pink tank top

Waiting for the warm Summer nights
To hold you so tight
To walk barefoot on the warm pavement
Breathe in the fresh, Summer air
Soak in the cool Summer breeze

I sit here and drink Coke Cola
And keep watching the clock
Listening to the lonely songs on the radio.


Rolling Down Water Written on: May 24, 1998
I have seen the water roll down my skin
I haven't found the courage to let someone in
I have the strength to let someone go
But I haven't been able to kiss the lips of you
Just one touch and I could realize
Where I'm heading and where I want to go
That song keeps playing in my head
Making the sun disappear and letting the rain fall down
The Summer will determine the following year
Whether its lonely or independant, I don't know
I just wanna smoke and see the sights
Meet all of the beautiful people
Maybe find another lover
And walk away from my past
Someone I can lay my head down on
And see the morning sun
I wanna catch a falling star
One that can tell me where you are
One that will tell me where the partys' to
So I can just drift away from here
And find another road to lead me to my destiny.

Don't Tell Me I'm Wrong Written on: March 25, 1999
Don't tell me I'm wrong
'Cause I've been watching every move that you make
And every lonely night
Tells me, there's not much more I can take
Everytime, you'd walk in the room
I coudln't ever be sure of a smile
But, for you
I'd walk a thousand mile
I'm falling in love
Day after day and it's crazy

I know you feel the same way
Trust me, it's okay
Just give in to your feelings
Trust yourself
Let things flow through
Don't fight it
Let it happen

I dream of having a taste
Kissing each finger tip like they were sweet candies
Drinking your warm and tender lips
Slowly breathing in every part of you like a warm Summer breeze
Searching over your body like a flowing river searching its way to the ocean

I know you feel the same way
I've seen it in your eyes
Don't try to hide it
Don't worry what you're leaving behind.

That's it for now. I'm gone to bed. It's 12:13 am. Leave your comments.
Goodnight!

Poetic Pains Wrote On 9:39 PM
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Anticipation, Hesitation, Gets You No Where!

I'm looking for the right song here to get me in the "right" mood. I'm slowly getting into another "writing mode", a kind of depressing, "poet needs the pain", if you will, moment. I can't write when I'm happy, which is a shame, cuz I was on a pretty good ride for a few days. There were moments that it really felt like my feet weren't touching the floor. I seriously felt like I was floating for a little while. :-) All that came to an end yesterday, for one reason or another.
Gawd damn, I can't find the right song this morning. I need something that moves me mutha fucka.

The darkness of this room
Draws light from the window
And heat from the sweaty bodies
As they cling to eachother for protection, acceptance, forgiveness
Longing to enduldge themselves in sinful pleasures
Why do they not take part?
Why tease and torment?
Why the silence?
Walking damp streets, alone, late at night, has been taken away
Mauling over thoughts of unanswered questions grow stronger everyday
Why is this so hard? Why is she so scared? What happend to her?
It's all too much, and sometimes, not enough


I don't know where the fuck I'm going with this at this point, so I will leave it unfinished. Fuck I hate that! My unfinished writings frustrate the hell outta me. And I still haven't found a song to move me yet. I'm too tired I guess. Fuck I'm tired. I didn't get much sleep at all last night. 50% of it was my usuall STUBBRONNESS! I don't know what the fuck I was making myself stay awake for? I mean, what the fuck did I expect to happen? Sweet christ.
I just noticed that I'm saying the word "fuck" a lot in this post. I'm not pissed off or anything like that. Prolly has a lot do with me not smoking. Even tho, I had one today. Tee hee. Yeah thats right! I had a cigeratte! It was nothing but a tease too, cuz now I'm craving more then ever. Shit! See, I shouldn't have fucking touched it yesterday. Now my mind set is all fucked up.
*SIGHS* Oh my.
I've lost my inspiration again today. :-(

Poetic Pains Wrote On 11:34 AM
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You can do it (Put your back into it)

It's certainly been a while since I wrote in this. Here's what you missed. I have a job now. I'm working as a cashier at a drug store, one thats pretty close to home. My ass is saved for now. This morning I got a call from another place that i had applied to a few months back. I have an interview with them on Thursday at 10 am which is supposed to be my day off, but hey, it's a job that pays 10 bucks an hour so I can't pass it up no matter how many panic attacks I take over it. That's it for now I guess? The feeling of something "great to write" has left me once again. I just need more inspiration. OH yes, I am trying to quit smoking. I was good until this morning, when Lesley twisted my rubber arm. Most of it burned away tho, I only had two puffs out of it. So now I have to start all over again. Fuck sakes.

Poetic Pains Wrote On 12:50 PM
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Let the count down begin!

ONLY 13 MORE DAYS LEFT TO GO!!!
LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Yup yup. Not much longer now. So far I've got two small boxes packed and some clothes in a suit case. Oh my goodness, I can't believe that I'm responsible for myself now. I find that really scarry. I've always had someone else to depend on. Now the only one that I can depend on is myself. Good thing I'm a pretty dependable person eh? LOL.
There is just so much stuff I will have to think about now. Like, doing my own laundry yes I need clean underware for work. I can't go commando. Ha if I did, maybe I'd get a raise or make my boss rise ya know which ever! HAHAHAHAHA DIRT DIRT DIRT!!! I have to cook for myself, my goodness i'm gonna be some skinny by the time Summer comes around then. Yuck, I'm not fussy about my cooking at all. I tell ya, Shel and Les are gonna see some lot of Mr. Noodles and Kraft Dinner being cooked. LOL. I can't even make that the same every time. I'm da pits at cooking. Oh well, I'll learn I guess, better late then never. And cleaning. Well house work is not new to me. I have to buy my own groceries, pay for my own transportation, get myself from point A to point B in a big city. OH my. What am I gonna do? Ya know I had a big panic attack the other night thinking about all of this. Thank God Gavin was online and talked me down out of it. You're so good to me Gavin and I'm so glad that I can talk to you about anything. :-) Thank you! I owe you one.
But I keep reminding myself, daily, that this is the best thing for me right now. This could be a fun adventure. It's not what I had originally planned, but I think that maybe this plan is better. If I was still running on my old plan then I would be engaged right now and planning my wedding for next June. June 18th if u want to get technical about it. Yes I wanted to be married by 2005 the latest. Hahaha I know, sounds retarted and I think I just heard Jan's jaw hit the floor. LOL. But it's true. I wanted to be married by the age of 23 and maybe start having children about year or so later. If they came eariler in the marrage then I would be just as happy. But that plan is now laid to rest because it is missing the most important element...the GROOM. I am single now. The first time in four years. So I'm starting at the lowly, lonely bottom yet once again. Oh my thats one pain in the freaking ass! To start everything all over again. Searching for someone then theres the first date, where you're both so nervous and fidgity and trying to make a good lasting impression on eachother so that there will be cause for a second date. Then there's the first kiss. You think about it the whole night druing the first date, or the second, depending on the guy, cuz I'm too shy to make the first move. U worry about the first kiss, should it be an open mouthed kiss, a tight thin lipped kiss, or should it start with closed mouth kisses then slowly deepen into a nice open mouth kiss? Should u use tonge? Hahaha. Man I hate first dates. I haven't been on the dating scene in years. I honestly don't think I'd know what to do on one. What are the rules for a first date? Can anyone let me in on them? I haven't been on a date since I was a teenager. My gawd how old am I? Shit! If the first date goes well, there will most deffiately be a second. What the hell would u do on that one? How should u act around eachother? I'm a firm believer in being yourself at all times, but there are times that u may have to tone it down a bit. Hahahaha. Referring to myself of course. I'm so crazy and foolish. Out spoken too. I always speak my mind. And I hate people who don't. Espically around me. I say if you've got something on your mind, then spit it out chuck. Get it off your chest. Nothing worse then nagging thoughts and feelings tugging at you.
Anyway I lost track. What was I going to say? I have no idea now. If it comes back to me then I will post it later.

Poetic Pains Wrote On 1:16 AM
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No words for these words

Sweet to my tongue
I savor the taste
The cool liquid soothes my firey throat
Lost in the moment
I leave this place and all my demons
Wishing I could stay in this place
Everything is so calm and collected
I become one with the liquid and swallow
Again and again
Teasing, tingling, growing, longing
Do I dare take another sip?
No, I leave it alone
The moment is too tempting
Too good, too fulfilling
I dabble along the edge
Waiting to be pushed into the deep end
Barely able to keep my head above the water
I panic and take another sip
It soothes me, again, it takes me away

659p 04/29/04
=====================================================


its a small world baby

Sweet to my tongue
I savor the taste
The cool liquid soothes my firey throat
Lost in the moment
I leave this place and all my demons
Wishing I could stay in this place
Everything is so calm and collected
I become one with the liquid and swallow
Again and again
Teasing, tingling, growing, longing
Do I dare take another sip?
No, I leave it alone
The moment is too tempting
Too good, too fulfilling
I dabble along the edge
Waiting to be pushed into the deep end
Barely able to keep my head above the water
I panic and take another sip
It soothes me, again, it takes me away

Poetic Pains Wrote On 7:44 PM
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